by Sheila Pearl, M.S.W.

How are you feeling today? What is your energetic state of being today? How do you see your life today? Are you content, restless, depressed, sad, numb, happy, excited? Whatever your answer, I’ve learned that it’s entirely your choice.

It took a series of dramatic even tragic events for me to wake up to the truth of everything is energy. Beginning with my dedicated spiritual seeking in my late 50’s, I began to learn about the concept that everything is energy. Beginning with my 64th birthday, I began to physically experience the magic of S.E.X: Significant Energy Xchange. It took a simple encounter with a man who said to me after our first kiss: Be Happy, Babe!

During most of my 40’s and 50’s, I had been sleepwalking, as an automatic knee-jerk reaction to the mounting stresses in my life, I gradually lost sight of my most essential energetic self. I had become numbed and blinded to the importance of my sexual and spiritual energies as they related to my ability to access passion, joy, and enthusiasm.

You, like me, may have reached a stage in life in which your intimate relationship and/or your experience with your professional endeavors has flatlined and consequently, so has your own energy system. You may have reached a point in your life as I did– that I call the whatever stage. This is that living-but-not-alive stage in which you find yourself saying I don’t care or it isn’t important anymore… but with an attitude of resignation and veiled sadness, not an attitude of blessing and acceptance.

My story is our collective story: I share the wisdom of our biology. Our bodies know everything about us, if we but listen. Our bodies also house the truth of who we are and who we can be, as energetic beings. It is essential for each of us to claim and /or re-claim our basic passionate joyful energy that resides within our bodies, but is generated from our intentions, our thoughts, and our attitudes. Many of us inadvertently adopt the attitude of resignation, giving away that zest or or even giving up on life itself, believing that joyful living is only for the lucky few. It is not true!

Ten years after marriage, I had surgery for uterine cancer, with that, I also had radiation treatments. The emotional and physical impact on me was huge: my libido had disappeared and sexual intercourse, even if desired, was painful for me, as a result of the radiation. My husband couldn’t bear causing me pain, hence, did not force sex.

The habit of avoiding sex persisted for years. When couples habitually avoid sex, the habit of not having regular sex with one another becomes the new habit. It quickly becomes easier to avoid resuming anything much like exercising: once you stop, it’s harder to resume. Once our sexual intimacy came to a halt, I felt guilty. My husband felt pushed aside. I got busier with my work. He got busier with his work. We soon devolved into domestic partners, roommates, friends with no benefits, except hugging, perfunctory kisses, and sometimes cuddling.

Because everything is energy, as I shut down my passionate sexual energies, the rest of my energetic system began to flatten, enthusiasm for most things dried up, and my professional arena became more routine and less juicy, as I became increasingly exhausted.

During my 40’s and 50’s, as my sexual channels of energy were closed down, I began to gain weight, growing from size 10 to size 18. The added weight became my shield from intimacy and attracting my husband’s desire for me. When love scenes would appear in a movie or TV program, I felt uncomfortable , sometimes sad, or even ashamed. When my husband wanted sex, I would either decline, make excuses, or try to please him, only to complain about the pain, then face his dejected face and apologies. Oy! The cascade of guilt, anger, resentment, withholding of feelings, shut-down in communication on many levels.

In my mid-50’s, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Dementia. As his disease progressed, my energies cascaded further downhill. I was working 90-100 hrs/week, feeling fear, panic, worry, anger, resentment, even rage. By the time my husband was forced into early retirement, we were living beyond our means, I was working long hours, draining my energies to the point of total exhaustion.

In the midst of this energetic and emotional shut-down, I nonetheless knew enough to seek healing and spiritual/emotional support. I began the spiritual journey of a lifetime. Some intuitive little voice pushed me to move outside of myself and to become a seeker, a learner. I began to study with people such as Dr. Robert Kandarjian, Bob Proctor, Neale Donald Walsch and Gail Straub. I received training as a spiritual life coach. I was actively preparing for my next chapter in life.

In celebration of my 60th birthday, I committed to losing 80 pounds. Within a few months, I was able to discard my fat clothes and buy a size 10 wardrobe. It was the new me! I was getting whistles. I was being acknowledged by strangers and friends for being sexy. I was thrilled and terrified. OMG! What do I do with this new me? I was actually beginning to feel some twinges and longings! But I was still married. Friends suggested I look for a man. I couldn’t ! My husband was lying in a bed at home, helpless, close to death. I couldn’t! Not then…

A few months after my husband’s death, on my 64th birthday, I gave myself a gift: I had accepted my longings and wanted a lover. What a terrifying and exciting thought! With all my prior spiritual work, I had been preparing for this new chapter in my life. I knew that I longed for passion in my life.

With the help of mentors and friends, I lunged into internet dating. I signed up, created a profile, posted my picture, and…to my amazement…Matt showed up! Matt was 13 years my junior, vital, muscular, energetically electric. Out of over 400 profiles, his called to me. I contacted him and he responded immediately. It was as if he was waiting for me. I invited him to my office for our first meeting: Matt walked into my office without a word, closed the door behind him, walked up to me, and kissed me.

WOW! That was it! That kiss ignited all the hormones which had been lying dormant in my body! That kiss served as an energy exchange which generated feelings of vitality, joy, and lightness I had forgotten was possible.

Gregg Braden, in his book Divine Matrix, describes attraction as something of ourselves that someone else is holding for us. Matt was holding my childlike, playful, girlish, passionate self. I was attracted to him like a magnet! When Matt left my office, after our first kiss, he smiled sweetly, saying Be Happy, Babe! I didn’t fully appreciate that statement, nor the nature of our attraction, until much time had passed and our relationship evolved.

Five years after our initial meeting, Matt remains an important part of my life. We have S.E.X. on a regular basis. We are affectionate, adoring friends and lovers and we take total delight with one another as we share S.E.X. Sometimes, S.E.X. is a simple conversation. Sometimes, it is an email exchange or an instant-message chat. Sometimes it is a sweet kiss and hug when he stops by my office for a cup of tea during our busy day. Sometimes it is listening to music together, or sharing a meal. Sometimes is it passionate and playful sex.

What I have learned during these past five years is that I can create many ways of having S.E.X I access these delicious high vibrational frequencies by engaging with my friends and family in that same space of joy and gratitude. Matt’s gift to me has been the simple reminder that we are all energy, and that with a simple thought, our energies can shift.

Whenever Matt and I are saying goodbye, he will say Be Happy Babe! Over the years, I’ve learned from him that what attracted me to him was his happy sparkling energy, his zest for life. His message was clear: my being happy is a state of mind, and it’s my choice.

When he first kissed me, his energy ignited my sleeping giant of joy and gladness. When he kisses me now, his energy connects with mine as we share the essential energies of being joyful, childlike, playful, sensuous and abundant.

Despite times when I may not see Matt for weeks or even months, I have learned that I don’t have to be in his proximity to connect with that gift of S.E.X. that Significant Energy Xchange is something I can have with myself, with people in my life, including my grandchildren. It’s about transferring that sweet S.E.X. to any and all exchanges and engagements in my life.

Here’s the wisdom: remind yourself that everything is energy. Whether you are in a sexless marriage or have a job you hate, there are things you can do, there is an energetic state of mind that you can choose, which can ignite your passion within your Self…and therefore, within your situation.

Marci Shimoff n her book Happy for No Reason, says that happiness isn’t something we feel, as a result of certain circumstances. Being Happy is something you and I can choose just because we can! I can choose to be joyful, juicy, sexy, and passionate right here, right now! Sharing my self-induced energy with a special person or persons makes it magical!

You and I are designed to be the masters of our thoughts and therefore of our emotions.

There were times that I had wondered if I could be happy whether or not Matt was in my life. We have breaks a few times, giving me the opportunity to discover that I could be happy with him or without him. It was my choice. Now, when I do see him, my happiness does not depend on him. It depends solely on me. I am indeed a happy woman, highly energized, regardless of my circumstances.

Coaching Tips on Creating S.E.X.

1. Notice your thoughts. Notice your emotions. These are choices.

2. Choose which feeling state you want to experience: whether joyful or depressed, grateful or embittered, it is your choice.

3. Choose to associate with people whose energy matches your desired feeling state. If you want to be in a positive state of mind, spend time with people who embody that energy .

4. Do the things you love, engage in activities that match your goals, spend your time creating experiences that fuel joy and laughter.

5. When you connect with others, be fully present, listen with intention and compassion.

6. Approach each experience with an attitude of wonder and curiosity.

Author’s Bio:

SHEILA PEARL is a Life Coach, Keynote Speaker and Seminar Leader with an office in Newburgh, NY. She is co-author of several books, including WAKE UP WOMEN BE Happy, Healthy & Wealthy, and WAKE UP WOMEN BE Happier, Healthier & Wealthier, also co-author with Laura Moritz of The Winning ConnectionA Networker’s Guide…, and author of STILL LIFE: A Spiritual Guidebook for Family Caregivers. Visit Sheila’s website:

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